Broadway really likes turning movies into musicals. Some people love it. Some people hate it. We’re in it for the dream-casting opportunities. So instead of waiting for the next Notebook, or The Devil Wears Prada, or Mrs. Doubtfire, or Mystic Pizza (seriously, there are a million of them), we picked one of our favorite titles and dreamed up not just a cast list, but a fully conceptualized, guaranteed blockbuster: 10 Things I Hate About You.
Broadway producers — feel free to thank us at the Tony Awards.
It’s Valentine’s Day — and whether that for you means a day of overeating chocolate or a day of romance, either pairs nicely with a made-up musical version of 10 Things I Hate About You. It’s in the canon of great ’90s rom-coms, it’s one of the greatest Shakespearean adaptations of all time (fight me on it), and it has just enough feminist rage to suit all tastes on this emotionally conflicting faux-holiday.
Of course, Shakespeare comes with a lot of characters and plot points, so, as Michael says to Cameron on his tour of Padua High, “here’s the breakdown“:
– New student Cameron falls in love with Bianca.
– Bianca’s father refuses to let her date until her older sister Kat does.
– Kat refuses to date because of buried trauma (spoiler) caused by rich heartthrob Joey.
– Joey also wants to “date” Bianca, so is persuaded by Michael and Cameron to pay a possibly psychotic loner named Patrick to take out Kat.
– Pat and Kat fall in love over a game of sexy paintball.
– Cameron and Bianca also fall in love (for whatever reason).
– Kat gets her heart broken.
– Kat writes questionable poetry.
– Everyone lives happily ever after.
There’s also a built-in marching band number, an (in)famous table dance, and enough crop tops to send you right back to the sweet sweet days of 1999. So for all those shrews out there who can’t be tamed, happy Valentine’s Day.
Music and lyrics by Letters to Cleo
Additional music by Barenaked Ladies, Cheap Trick, Nick Lowe & Ian Gomm, Bob Crewe & Bob Gaudio
Book by Diablo Cody
Direction by Michael Arden
Choreography by Wade Robson
Antonio Cipriano – Patrick Verona, high school senior with a mysterious accent and sexy criminal vibes, looks unwashed but in a Heath Ledger kind of way
Eva Noblezada – Katarina Stratford, high school senior who thinks her brand of irritated feminism will be valued at an East Coast liberal arts college, going through a Sylvia Plath phase, might be a musician but we have yet to actually hear her play an instrument
Hailey Kilgore – Bianca Stratford, Kat’s little sister, Padua High’s most adorable sophomore, irredeemably selfish, but you can’t get mad at a cute girl in midriff tops
Isaac Powell – Cameron James, new student at Padua, on the sexy-dweeb cusp, wants to go sailing so badly he seriously won’t stop talking about it
Noah Galvin – Michael Eckman, Cameron’s (only?) friend, teenage AV nerd who appreciates a good dad joke, will own at least three tech start-ups before he’s 30
Joe Keery – Joey Donner, hottest senior at Padua, ad model specializing in undergarments, that guy who has an after-school job so he cashes his paychecks and carries all of the money in his pants pockets in case he might need to bribe the school bad boy
Kathryn Gallagher – Mandella, Kat’s best friend, has a weird Shakespeare fetish, will likely get her BFA in acting at NYU Tisch but then go into theatrical marketing
Reneé Rapp – Chastity, Bianca’s best friend, backstabbing superficial jerkface, does not own a Prada backpack
David Alan Grier – Walter Stratford, Kat and Bianca’s overprotective single father, obstetrician who’s seen too much
Jennifer Simard – Ms. Perky, Padua High guidance counselor, keeping her day job until she breaks into the erotic romance lit industry
Leslie Jones – Miss Morgan, Padua High’s best English lit teacher, living in a world of teenage white privilege, only a matter of time before her career is ended by a disgruntled parent
Ben Platt – Bogey Lowenstein, high school senior, lover of golf, soft cheeses, and intimate gatherings
One Week / Bad Reputation – Ensemble
Scoot! – Ms. Perky
Citizens of Padua High – Michael
What Is Love? – Bianca, Chastity
I Burn, I Pine, I Perish – Cameron
These Kids Need a Bitch-Slap – Miss Morgan
Two House Rules – Walter
You Suck – Kat, Bianca
Bonjour! – Cameron
X-Treme D8-ing – Cameron, Michael
Someone With Money (Who’s Dumb) – Cameron, Michael
I-Want-You-I-Need-You-Oh-Baby-Oh-Baby – Kat
Get Some – Joey
What Is Whelmed? – Bianca, Chastity
A Pair of Black Panties Say a Thousand Words – Bianca
Nigel Brings the Brie – Bogey
This Party Sucks – Ensemble (feat. Kat Table Dance Solo)
Back in the Game! – Cameron
Sonnet 141 Remix – Miss Morgan
Shakespeare Is My Boyfriend – Mandella
Conscientious Prom-Jectors – Kat, Mandella
Can’t Take My Eyes Off You – Patrick
“The Plan” – Kat
You Never Disappointed Me – Patrick, Kat (feat. Paintball Dream Ballet)
Tell Me Something True – Patrick, Kat
Hell Is Just a Sauna – Walter
Ninth for a Month – Kat
Dancing in My Two-Piece Prom Dress – Bianca
Cruel to Be Kind – Ensemble (feat. ’90s Prom Dance Break)
Another Sophomore Is Coming to Prom – Chastity
Sh*t Hath Hitith the Fan…ith – Michael
I Cared About You! – Patrick
Don’t Get Pregnant in New York – Walter
Not Even at All – Kat
I Want You to Want Me – Patrick, Ensemble