Andy Karl and Cate Blanchett in Die Hard The Musical: Merry Christmas, Motherf*cker
Unwrap our (entirely fabricated) solution to Broadway's dearth of holiday fare.
Broadway really likes turning movies into musicals. Some people love it. Some people hate it. We're in it for the dream-casting opportunities. So instead of waiting for the next Notebook, or The Devil Wears Prada, or Mrs. Doubtfire, or Mystic Pizza (seriously, there are a million of them), we picked one of our favorite titles and dreamed up not just a cast list, but a fully conceptualized, guaranteed blockbuster: Die Hard.
Broadway producers — feel free to thank us at the Tony Awards. And merry Christmas!
A celebrated story of romance, bromance, and German terrorism — this action-packed yuletide classic has been dying to be onstage ever since Russian ballet star Alexander Godunov was hired to chase Bruce Willis through a Los Angeles office building. So from the eccentric minds of Julie Taymor and the Foo Fighters (with a light underscoring of "Ode to Joy" throughout), we give you Die Hard The Musical: Merry Christmas, Motherf*cker.
Against his better judgment, NYPD detective John McClane (Andy Karl) flies to the West Coast to attend his soon-to-be ex-wife Holly's (Kate Baldwin) corporate Christmas party at Nakatomi Plaza. Before he can even make a fist with his toes, he finds himself stuck in the middle of a deadly heist, orchestrated by international crime boss Hans Gruber (Cate Blanchett, who does no singing in this musical…because Hans doesn't roll like that…and that's the end of this discussion).
What else can John do but grab his gun and save the day in the most inefficient and destructive manner possible? [Editor's note: This will not be a cheap musical.] He spends most of his time in elevator shafts delighting in his inner monologue, but leave it to John to emerge from the rubble with a revitalized marriage, a new bestie in Sgt. Al Powell (Sterling K. Brown), and a fresh appreciation for the structural limits of a Hanes wifebeater.
And to anyone who still wants to deny Die Hard's rightful place in the Christmas canon, tell that to Argyle (Bonnie Milligan), whose main function will be belting out holiday Top 40 hits from inside his limousine…you know, to break up all the death and destruction. Yippee-ki-yay!
Music and lyrics by the Foo Fighters (with additional Christmas pop hits)
Book by original screenwriter Steven E. de Souza
Direction by Julie Taymor
Choreography by Sonya Tayeh
Andy Karl – John McClane, NYPD with a thorough disdain for the state of California, misses his wife Holly, looks great in a muscly undershirt at all levels of cleanliness
Cate Blanchett – Hans Gruber, West German terrorist (remember…this is a period piece), breeds fear through a monotone voice and dead eyes, can do several dialects
Holly Gennaro McClane – Kate Baldwin, John's estranged wife, nonspecific businesswoman with a fabulous perm, will negotiate with terrorists to help a pregnant woman get appropriate seating
Sterling K. Brown – Sgt. Al Powell, the only capable member of the LAPD, haunted by a past mistake, his love for Twinkies is only surpassed by his love for John (by the end of the show)
Bonnie Milligan – Argyle, John's enthusiastic limo driver, you can't count on her to hear nearby gun shots, but she will karaoke the heck out of a Run-DMC Christmas song
Brian d'Arcy James – Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson, strong high school principal vibes, not nearly alarmed enough at the sight of a dead body falling out the window of a high-rise
Danny Burstein – Richard Thornburg, jerkface reporter
Alex Brightman – Harry Ellis, jerkface businessman
William Jackson Harper – Theo, genius computer hacker, likes to sing while committing cyber terrorism
Tyler Hanes – Karl, Hans's menacing yet graceful accomplice
Ricky Ubeda – Heinrich, Karl's less talented brother (spoiler: dies early)
George Takei – Mr. Takagi, Nakatomi executive, impressively unflappable (spoiler: also dies early)
Norbert Leo Butz – Big Johnson, special agent for the FBI, might have been in 'Nam
Joshua Henry – Little Johnson, regular agent for the FBI
Christmas at Nakatomi Plaza – John, Holly, ensemble
F*ckin' California – John
Argyle's Xmas Jamz #1 / Christmas in Hollis – Argyle
Gennaro Comma Holly – Holly
John's Soliloquy (Think, Goddammit, Think!) – John
Yellow Dye No. 5 – Sgt. Powell
Ho-Ho-Ho (Now I Have a Machine Gun) – John
Argyle's Xmas Jamz #2 / All I Want for Christmas Is You – Argyle
John's Soliloquy, Reprise (What a TV Dinner Feels Like) – John
I Think He's a Cop – Sgt. Powell, Dwayne T. Robinson
Not Your Average Terrorist – Theo
John's Soliloquy, Second Reprise (Yippee-Ki-Yay, Motherf*cker!) – John
Listen, Shut Up, and Pray – Sgt. Powell
Time to Blow Sh*t Up – John
Argyle's Xmas Jamz #3 / Santa Baby – Argyle
This Woman Needs a Couch! – Holly
Eat Your Heart Out, Channel 5 – Richard Thornburg
I'm Your White Knight – Ellis
Yo Pal – John, Sgt. Powell
I Shoot Glass – Karl (feat. Karl dance solo)
He's Alive! – Holly
My Big Mistake – Sgt. Powell
I Should Have Put on Shoes – John
A Message for My Wife – John
Argyle's Xmas Jamz #4 / Merry Christmas Baby – Argyle
Just Like F*ckin' Saigon – Johnson and Johnson
Yippee-Ki-Yay, Motherf*cker!, Reprise – John, Holly
Yo Pal, Reprise – John, Sgt. Powell
No Shirt, No Shoes, Merry Christmas! – John, Holly
Let It Snow – Ensemble