The Broadway University Product Placement Quiz

Much has been made of In My Life having jingles for Volkswagen and Dr. Pepper blatantly stuck into the score, sung by Michael J. Farina in the role of God. Indeed, during the show, I fully expected that the outrageous Winston (David Turner) would eventually cry out, “Winston tastes good like a cigarette should.” But maybe we shouldn’t put too much blame on Joe Brooks, the show’s composer-lyricist-bookwriter-director, for this. After all, many a lyricist has placed a product or two in a lyric, sometimes for a quick rhyme or occasionally to add some atmosphere.

So, for the first Broadway University pop quiz of the semester, let’s have you prove that Brooks may have gone a little overboard but certainly did not introduce the practice of product placement in musicals. Identify these 40 quotations by title of song and show. (Submissions must be received no later than Thursday, November 24; answers will be posted in next Monday’s column.)

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1. “I would gladly give up coffee for Sanka.”

2. “I could say life is just a bowl of Jello.”

3. “Keeping house but clutching a copy of Life, just to keep in touch.”

4. “I cook like Betty Crocker and I look like Donna Reed.”

5. “She cooks like my mother and sucks like a Hoover.”

6. “We’ll hide these incongruities with cloaks from Abercrombie-Fitch.”

7. “Or tickle your wrist with a single-edge razor, or buy you a beer with a Drano chaser.”

8. “And braggin’ all about how they’re gonna cover up a tell-tale breath with Sen-Sen.”

9. “Hey. Pass that Geritol ”

10. “He wore an aura of nobility; I wore these Ferragamo shoes.”

11. “When I sit at my desk on the 41st floor in my copy of a copy of a copy of Dior.”

12. “And he smells from Vitalis and Barbisol.”

13. “You’re an old Dutch master, you’re Mrs. Astor, you’re Pepsodent.”

14. “Came upon the scene as fresh as Listerine.”

15. “I bet you squeeze the Charmin. That’s wonderful ”

16. “Anyone for M&M’s? Delicious and appropriate. Anyone for chewy Goobers?”

17. “But stiff back or stiff knees, you stand straight at Tiff’ny’s.”

18. “Schlitz down the drain. Pour the champagne.”

19. “We import the drinks that you buy, so your Perrier is Canada Dry.”

20. “No bathrobe, no Steuben glass, no cappucino makers, no pearls, no diamonds.”

21. “There’s a yummy Friday special at Stouffer’s.”

22. “If you don’t have S.T.P., Crisco will do just fine.”

23. “I don’t care if you are called ‘The Fair Miss Frigidaire.’ ”

24. “I’m so broke, couldn’t buy a girl a nickel Coke.”

25. “No Benzedrine in your Ovaltine.”

26. “Dreaming in my Maidenform bra, dreamed I danced the cha-cha-cha.”

27. “Will their faces be stony when they see on their Sony someone handing the phony the Tony Award.”

28. “Watch her pucker those red-hot Tangee lips.”

29. “There’s Reddi-wip and instant tea and Minute rice.”

30. “So, what’s the problem? You’ll get a wedding dress from Lane-Bryant.”

31. “Shop for groc’ries. Look for specials. God, it sounds so Mickey Mouse.”

32. “Sweet like Chanel; hey, there’s a smell!”

33. “How come a trip to McDonald’s is making her hum?”

34. “I am in love with the Breck girl ”

35. “Till the whole world reels to shouts and squeals and the clicking of Rolliflexes.”

36. “Just like Ivory Soap, I’m 99 and 44/100ths percent pure.”

37. “Here I am: Thomas J. Moody. Three-year-old suit from Robert J. Hall.”

38. “Duco cement or twins from Siam can’t be more stuck than you and I am.”

39. “Si, they’re having it my way on ev’ry big highway; what sign do you see? Taco Bell.”

40. “Cinecolor, or Warnercolor, or Pathecolor, or Eastmancolor, or any color.”

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[To contact Peter Filichia directly, e-mail him at pfilichia@theatermania.com]