BREAKING: George Santos to Play Roxie Hart in Chicago on Broadway

George Santos, the freshman congressman from New York’s third district, will step into the role of Roxie Hart in the long-running Broadway revival of Chicago at the Ambassador Theatre. Exact dates have yet to be announced, but sources close to the production anticipate that Santos, who will be billed under his stage name “Kitara Ravache,” will be up and running by July 4.

“Since I relinquished my committee assignments and no one in Washington will return my calls, I’ve been looking for something to do,” said Santos, who was elected by the people of Long Island to represent them in Congress through January 3, 2025. “I’m so thrilled to be landing on Broadway, where my unique talents will finally be appreciated. I’m also excited to make HERstory as the first drag performer ever to grace the stage in Chicago.” R. Lowe and Jinkx Monsoon could not be reached for comment by the time of publication.

“We could have brought anyone into this show,” said lead producer Barry Weissler, “Elizabeth Holmes, Anna Delvey…but George Santos is what Chicago is all about! He’s dazzlingly dishonest, he’s completely shameless, and very, very sexy!”

“Fun fact: I actually taught Bob Fosse a few moves back in the summer of 1974,” said Santos while strutting around his favorite New York City haunt, the baggage claim at LaGuardia Airport. “I’m not saying Fosse stole my choreography, but the dance rehearsals have felt like a homecoming.”

Santos will replace Charlotte d’Amboise, who has played Roxie on and off for the past two decades. “Shoved aside for a no-talent newsworthy con artist…why would I be bitter?” said the two-time Tony nominee.

Further casting will be announced in the coming weeks, but industry insiders are already speculating that disgraced cryptocurrency tycoon Sam Bankman-Fried will be the next Billy Flynn, citing a little-noticed amendment to the Save Our Stages Act that awards “time served” for the duration of a Broadway run.

Also, happy April Fools’ Day, TheaterManiacs.