And So Don’t Her Sisters and Her Cousins and Her Aunts

So there I was, talking to an astonishingly gifted actress I know, someone who routinely shows up on the annual Bests of New Jersey Theater Lists that I write for the Star-Ledger. For some reason — I don’t quite know why — I happened to say to her, “I’ll bet your family is so proud of what you’ve accomplished. I imagine they come out and see you perform all the time.”

Her face fell. “No,” she said sadly. “They seldom if ever, very rarely come out and see what I do. They actually say, ‘We’re too busy.’ And while they do live in the boroughs of New York, I notice they always have time to make trips to Hershey Park and Great Adventure here in New Jersey.”

She stopped to think about the slight a bit more, then continued: “And you know something? I’m there for every holiday with them. Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays for my nieces and nephews, too. I live in New Jersey and have to travel to get to them, but it seems that they don’t feel they need to travel to get to me.”

I paused before bringing this up: “Of course, two wrongs don’t make a right; but have you ever thought of not showing up at family events, given that they’re not showing up for your big moments?”

“Well,” she said, “what I did do last year for the first time is tell them I couldn’t make a big family event because I had a rehearsal. I figured that, by my mentioning that, they might get interested and ask some questions and come out and see me. But that didn’t happen.”

I was surprised. It’s one thing to miss a performance by a relative or friend who’s the first girl in the second row in the third scene of the fourth number in fifth position. But this actress often gets leads and is searingly good in them. I would have thought that, had her family members saw her, they’d be anxiously looking forward to her future performances as much as I do. How, in fact, could they bear to miss them?

But no. So I thought I’d do a little checking around and see if other performers have relatives — and friends, for that matter — who routinely come to see them in shows or ignore them. I found that anyone who makes an appearance on Broadway or Off-Broadway does get his kin and pals to attend because, more often than not, this is considered a major event (and rightfully so). But the hardworking performer who’s more often seen in a regional or community theater has a much tougher time of having even a single well-wisher in the house, let alone a cheering section. “Oh, they’ll come see you when you’re a kid,” said one pal. “That they’ll indulge because they find it ‘cute.’ But just get a little older and they don’t want to know you anymore.”

Why is this? Why isn’t there the building excitement of seeing someone grow, tackle a greater role, stretch himself, and achieve more than ever before? Again, if the person stinks and is kidding himself, that’s one thing; but this type of performer usually stops getting roles or (sometimes) has enough self-awareness to notice that he’s the weakest link in the chain and eventually stops auditioning. Yet I’ve been told by dozens of amateur, semi-pro, and even professional performers that the cream that rises to the top often finds that few, if any, relatives or friends are in the audience. Said another buddy, “I find it’s easier to get an agent or a producer to come see me than my own friends and family.”

I love to attend shows when my friends and relatives are involved. Maybe it’s genetic. My mother was famous for never missing anyone’s wake and I’m pretty well-regarded for not missing anyone’s show. Some of these shows, I’ll admit, were like wakes — you can’t hit a home run every time at bat — but I’ve still had a good time seeing what my pal or relative can do. I’ve found that, when I go backstage to say ‘Hi’ after one of these events, the person’s face and voice take on an entirely new look and sound that I’ve never before encountered, no matter how long I’ve known him or her. That’s how heartfelt the “Thank you, Peter” usually is in those circumstances.

Some of that is because we really have to make an effort to see a friend or relative’s show. For the most part, regional theater productions are gone in a month and community theater productions often vanish after two weekends, never again to be seen. If your friend or relative were someone who spent his time writing a book, you could buy it now — or you could buy it years from now at a used book store or through an Internet site. If he’d been in a movie, you could see it in at your local Multiplex — or you could eventually rent or buy it any night during the rest of your life. If he’d been on a TV show, you could watch it now or tape it and watch it later. But, with live theater, time is of the essence: You’ve got to go right now, not later. And don’t tell me that, many times, videotapes are made of community theater productions and anyone can catch up with them later. We all know the quality of those tapes, especially their wretched sound. Watching them just can’t compare to the theatrical experience.

So, is it too late for all of you out there to make a New Year’s resolution? I say it isn’t. Whenever friends or relatives are in a show, make sure that you get out there and see their work. Bet you’ll find, as I do, that you earn a newfound respect for them and will see them in an entirely different light. More often than not, I suspect, it will be a pretty bright light.

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[To contact Peter Filichia directly, e-mail him at pfilichia@aol.com]