Jonny Porkpie’s Drinking Problem: a burlesque intervention

Burlesque Mayor of NYC Jonny Porkpie just hasn’t been the same lately… he seems to have lost that ol’ stumble in his step, that slur in his speech, that oh-so-charming glazed-over look in his eyes. What could the matter be?  Is some essential element missing from his life? Some of his closest friends – Nasty Canasta, Anita Cookie, Harvest Moon, Kobayashi Maru, Little Brooklyn and Schaffer the Darklord – think they’ve found the culprit… Alcohol.  Or, rather, the lack thereof.Yes, Porkpie is on the wagon, much to everyone’s chagrin. Monday Night Burlesque producer Doc Wasabassco had this to say:  “By not drinking, Jonny insults not only his friends, but also America, literature, and history itself. It was Winston Churchill who once claimed, ‘I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.’ And Earnest Hemingway said, ‘I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure.’ Does Jonny think he’s better than Churchill and Hemingway?”But it will take more than inane comparisons and quotes mined from Bartleby.com to convince Jonny to stop teetotaling. How will this gorgeous gaggle of burlesque and variety stars do it? In the best possible way: by taking off their clothes in a sultry series of anti-temperance temptations, designed to catch the attention of even the soberest of judges.And if the host isn’t drunk by the end of the night, the rest of the venue will be; a full bar is available, because — in the immortal words of Alben W. Barkley (one of America’s more forgettable Vice Presidents) — “The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.” JONNY PORKPIE’S DRINKING PROBLEM: the perfect end to your lost weekend.