All her life, actress/singer/songwriter/dancer/flutist/ spokesmodel/superstar Varla Jean Merman has been assaulted with questions: "Where did you get that hula hoop?" "What are you doing with Grandma's wallet?" "Are you really gonna eat that?" "Miss, do you know how fast you were driving?" "What happened to the pizza?" Critics have also attacked the tantalizing celebrity with a barrage of queries: "Where did you get your hair?" "Are you lip-synching?" "Who does your makeup?" "Was that dress on sale?" "Who's your daddy?"
With the opening of her confessional Off-Broadway multimedia mélange, Enough About Me: An Unauthorized Autobiography, Varla Jean Merman is poised to clear the air and dispel some of the ugly rumors that have plagued her since gaining notoriety as a showgirl in New Orleans. "The press is always distorting my family history by writing that I 'claim' or am 'rumored' to be the 'alleged' love child of Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine. That's irresponsible journalism!" asserts Varla Jean. "I AM Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine's daughter--and two restraining orders can't stop me from saying so!"
Another controversy to swirl around the buxom beauty pertains to her dramatic weight loss. "I lost 90 pounds," she boasts as if auditioning to replace Monica Lewinsky in Jenny Craig ads. "Some of my fans thought that I was sick. I lost weight the old-fashioned way: diet, exercise and tapeworms!"
It's difficult to imagine the full-figured femme fatale on a diet, especially when the highlight of her act used to be the consumption of a two-pound brick of Velveeta while simultaneously singing. Varla Jean continues to perform her signature number, "Dream a Little Dream of Cheese," but now, the large volume of processed food product is replaced with a more palatable can of Easy Cheese. "I love the taste--and it has the convenience of being an aerosol," she notes.
Food and family are not the only topics dissected by Varla Jean during her 90-minute autobiographical tour de force. Between swiftly edited, polished videos showing her love for birds, and a trip to Japan (where she met the one and only Hello Kitty) the scintillating entertainer examines racial stereotypes, urban legends, narcissism and bad relationships. "This is an edgy, experimental, one-woman show. It's like a parole hearing set to music," explains Varla Jean. "And, it's all about ME!"