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Two People Who've Never Seen Glee Attempt to Recap Glee

Or, A Tribute to The Beatles without the artistry of ''Rain'', ''Let It Be'', or Julie Taymor’s ''Across the Universe''. logo

Dear Readers,

Let us introduce ourselves. We are Bethany Rickwald and David Gordon. We know a lot about theater. We know nothing about Glee. Literally, we've watched two episodes between us. So who better to take up Glee-capping for TheaterMania? In the fifth season. Or whatever season it is.

So here we go.

Lea Michele
(© David Gordon)

This season of Glee opens on Broadway. Literally. Remember that time we saw Lea Michele filming outside of Sardi's? That was the first scene of this episode. She was auditioning for a Broadway revival of Funny Girl. You could tell because the marquee said Funny Girl. And because she was embodying Barbra Streisand as Fanny Brice during her audition. Needless to say, she didn't get the job then. But she might have after possibly impressing the director and British star at an Ellen's Stardust diner knock-off where she happened to be serving them burgers. Because she's an actress. A legit one. Because she's also a waitress.

But that's later in the episode. At the beginning, she takes that awesome purple coat for a wistful romp through Central Park where she feels feelings about not being cast while singing, perhaps inexplicably, the Lennon/McCartney hit "Yesterday" (She's not half the woman she used to be.)

Back in Ohio, where the rest of the show takes place, it's Beatles week within the Glee club. So we're given the chance to learn some Beatles facts, like, "When George Harrison was a kid, he was made fun of because his dad was a bus driver." Of course, some of the Glee clubbers, namely perky blonde, gimlet-edged cheerleader Kitty (or is it Katie?) don't want to sing The Beatles. Because why are The Beatles relevant in an age where Justin Bieber exists? In fact, Kitty/Katie hates The Beatles so much that she knows every lyric of every song they sing, including "Drive My Car."

Kitty/Katie is dating the wheelchair-bound Artie, who manages to get ALL of the girls, despite the fact that none of them want to be seen with him. Kitty/Katie doesn't either. She has a reputation to uphold as a perky blonde, gimlet-edged cheerleader. (Note: Part of her not wanting to be seen with him includes sitting on his lap as he wheels through the school, riding on the front of his bumper car, and standing next to him in that carnival spinny thing.)

Jane Lynch in Annie

In other news, Sue Sylvester is back from her summer playing Miss Hannigan on Broadway in Annie. She plants a copy of Mein Kampf and some gay foot-fetish magazines in the principal's office and suddenly he's arrested and banished to become the school custodian while she's promoted to principal! And all of a sudden, she's threatening everyone. Like swimming coach and everyone's favorite Real Housewife of Atlanta NeNe Leaks, who will possibly be forced to make the school shine like the top of the Chrysler building. (That's an Annie joke.)

Meanwhile, there's more romance in the air. Kurt and Blaine are back together and Blaine wants to propose. Because gay marriage is legal now and we're not Russia (that was a laff-line). So he hatches a plan to bring together a bunch of rival school choirs (naturally, they sing "Help!" because he needs help hatching this plan.)

Kurt is conflicted. Somehow he knew about the surprise proposal before Blaine even decided to propose. So he talks to his father, played by veteran TV star Mike O'Malley (who has the Guts to tell Kurt to follow his heart), whose presence adds a subtle air of gravitas (also, a subtle air of subtlety) to the proceedings. Mike O'Malley gives Kurt the advice to just roll with it — and Kurt says yes. Mainly because it would be hella embarrassing to say no to a guy as handsome as Blaine, who managed to stage a whole production number with a marching band that centers around "All You Need is Love" and is just as gay as that Home Depot proposal.


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