Bros on Broadway: A Guy Who’s Never Seen a Play in His Life Reviews Cyrano
Look, we get it: A lot of people don’t do theater. It’s not that they don’t want to. It’s just that they don’t know they want to. Seven days ago, Josh Maccon — jock, fraternity brother, World of Warcraft gamer — was one of those people.
TheaterMania tapped Maccon to be our first ever “Bro on Broadway” reviewer. As an average guy, his assignment was to see a show and do what great theater reviewers do best: Tell us what a show’s about, and what it’s honestly like to see it. His review — uncensored and without agenda — is below. And hilarious.
BRO: Josh Maccon
Bro Credibility: Josh is the current Pan American Middleweight Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Champion.
Fun Fact: Josh makes spare cash helping lonely guys rewrite their Match.com profiles so they attract more “chicks.” Really.
Show Reviewed: Cyrano de Bergerac
The combination of my severe ADD and the fact that Cyrano de Bergerac was the first play I’ve ever seen, ever, made for an interesting spectacle at the American Airlines Theatre.
The show started off with a lot of talking. The curtain went up, and a bunch of people onstage dressed like pictures in history books just started talking. I didn’t know why, and I couldn’t make sense of it. What sounded like animal noises eventually became recognizable words only after I realized every line was a rhyme.
“What could be worse than a play in verse? Do you think I’ll be reimbursed?”
That’s f***ing annoying, right?
So it was all terrible until Roxane — played by the blonde girl [Clemence Poesy] from one of my favorite movies ever, In Bruges — came onstage and got my juices flowing. She didn’t have to put on the red light. She glimmered in her tower and I couldn’t help but think:
1. What book is she reading?
2. Did all women in the 1600’s wear their dresses backwards? Why is her dress on backwards?
3. Will I get in trouble for going onstage to spit game to her? Theatre [Ed’s Note: theater] chicks dig me.
Shortly thereafter a drugged clown appeared on stage for a performance. He was rudely interrupted by the loud slam of an entrance door to the theater. A man who looked like he had testicles growing from his face stormed in, angry. I quickly realized that they were not testicles — they were, in fact, his sniffer, and this wordsmith was no ordinary man. He was Cyrano [Douglas Hodge], and he too was in love with my Roxane.
Cyrano’s nose was so disturbingly large that my nose was actually itchy while he spoke. I just knew this guy wasn’t getting laid. I vowed that if Roxane fell in love with him I would never see another play and would break my In Bruges DVD to pieces. But it turned out things were way more complicated than Roxane and Cyrano’s nose. For starters, Roxane was totally into this other guy named Christian with ridiculous boots, and also Cyrano was actually a badass alpha dog who could totally get laid.
Christian’s boots: Literally 10 sizes too big. What’s the return policy on those?
It turned out that Christian not only had terrible fashion-sense, but he couldn’t rap to chicks either. So Roxane gave him the whole “I love you but I’m not in love with you” spiel that I’ve grown accustomed to hearing over the years.
Now, Cyrano knew that his nose would get in the way of the romantic kiss, and Christian knew he was too dumb to land this dame. So they conspired in a genius plan: Cyrano would be the brains behind the operation and Christian the brawn. That’s when the show got interesting.
In the best part of the whole play, Roxane stood in her tree-house while Cyrano hid below and recited the most disgustingly beautiful lines I’ve ever heard to her. Christian just stood there useless with him, and I totally believed their plan was working. Roxane was falling for their synergistic game. You could tell. When Christian climbed the ladder of her tree house after Cyrano talked him in, I actually prayed he wouldn’t open his mouth and f**k everything up.
Cyrano ultimately gained my utmost respect. When Christian, on his sudden deathbed, wants Roxane to know about the combined effort in wooing her, Cyrano tells Christian that she knows about it but still loves him. Christian dies a happy man and Cyrano proves to be selfless. Respect.
The ending was very appropriate and moving, but I wish they cut the death scene 30 seconds shorter. Apparently, in the 1600’s they didn’t do drive by shootings or stabbings. These cats utilized the wood-drop technique for assassinations. So somebody tried to kill Cyrano by throwing wood at him and cracked his skull as he visited Roxane for the last time. While he’s dying he reads one of “Christian’s letters” out loud to Roxane and she recognizes that Cyrano was the conjurer of the love spell. He denies it and dies in Roxane’s arms. Nobody ended up getting laid, Roxane was as confused as ever, and there were three nuns on stage in the final scene that were totally pissing me off.
All in all the acting in the show is amazing. Visually there’s a lot to watch, but the language is really hard to keep up with. I still don’t know why all the dresses were on backwards. I do think Cyrano is a great show for people who like things that rhyme, are into poetry, or are romantics.
I can’t decide if I enjoyed the experience, but I have decided to keep my In Bruges DVD.