One of these days, I hope to have the pleasure of meeting Laura Frankos. I’m honored that she’s been reading what I write for some time now, and that she writes me with wonderful regularity. She’s a musical theater savant who always scores well on my Broadway University exams, and has a sense of humor and type of perception to which I can relate, appreciate, and savor.

Witness what she sent me soon after the Summer Olympics ended: “I was thinking of Broadway while watching the events,” she wrote. “Soon I was wondering, whose wingspan is longer, Tommy Tune’s or Michael Phelps’? I decided that we need additional apparatus in rhythmic gymnastics: specifically, the bowler hat and cane. Then the athletes could do Fosse routines. Can you hear the reactions now? “Oh, too bad! The Russian on the left was totally out of sync on the finger snaps! That will cost them the gold!”

My theater major daughter Rebecca Turtledove then suggested going whole hog, and having a Broadway-rhythmic gymnastics smackdown, with Fosse, Bennett, Tune and De Mille numbers going head-to-head. Could the addition of Shoeless Joe Hardy have helped the US baseball team get the gold? All of these notions led me to come up with the following report from the Broadway Olympics. First I pondered how musical characters would fare in actual Olympic events. Then, since that wasn’t enough, I tailored some events to fit the stage. Here we go:

SWIMMING: Gold—the chorus from the original production of The Frogs in the Yale swimming pool. Silver—the cast of Wish You Were Here in their $28,000 on-stage pool. Bronze—a tie between My One and Only and the revival cast of Nine for splashing. Joe Gillis, Sunset Boulevard DNF — did not finish.

YACHTING: Gold—Cap’n Andy, Show Boat. Silver: Commodore Perry, Pacific Overtures. Bronze—Roger, A New Brain.

BOXING: Gold—Buck White, Buck White. Silver—Eddie, The Wild Party. Bronze—Dave, The Body Beautiful and John Enright, Donnybrook! (In boxing, the third-place finalists do not have a match to determine the winner, but both get medals.)

FENCING: Gold—Cyrano de Bergerac, Cyrano. Silver—Percival Blakeney, The Scarlet Pimpernel. Bronze—Pierre Birabeau, the Red Shadow, The Desert Song.

WEIGHTLIFTING: Gold—The Beast, Beauty and the Beast. Silver—Pumbaa, The Lion King. Bronze—Old Deuteronomy, Cats.

GYMNASTICS: Gold—the cast of Barnum. Silver—the cast of Jumbo. Bronze—the cast of Carnival.

SOCCER: Gold—the cast of The Beautiful Game won because it faced no competition.

WOMEN’S MARATHON: Gold—a tie between Rose, Gypsy, and Fanny Brice, Funny Girl Silver—Dolly Levi, Hello, Dolly! Bronze—Edith/Little Edie, Grey Gardens .

MEN’S MARATHON: Gold—John Adams, 1776. Silver—Peter Allen, The Boys from Oz. Bronze—Bobby, Company.

MODERN PENTATHALON : Gold—Annie Oakley, Annie Get Your Gun. Silver—John Wilkes Booth, Assassins. Bronze—Charles Guiteau, Assassins. Silver medalist Booth complained, “We would have swept the event if I’d shot that little bitch, since Czolgosz was right behind Guiteau in points!”

FLYING: Gold—Peter Pan, Peter Pan. Silver—Superman, It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s Superman! Bronze—Elphaba, Wicked. Citizens of Oz are hoping the Broadway Olympic Committee will consider their request to include Synchronized Team Flying in the next Olympics, since their green superstar has a great routine worked out with her flying monkeys.

ROLE-JUGGLING: Gold—Noble Eggleston/Mr. Pinchley/Val du Val/Fred Poitrine/Otto Schnitzler/Prince Cherney/Noble, Junior, Little Me (7). Silver—Nicky/Trekkie Monster/Moving Box/Bad Idea Bear/Newcomer, Avenue Q (5). Bronze—Evie/Anya/Isle/Ginnie, Stop the World, I Want to Get Off (4).

BRIDGE-JUMPING: Gold—Inspector Javert, Les Miserables. Silver—Bill Sikes, Oliver! Bronze—Hop Kelly, Kelly. Kelly might have scored higher, since he survived his bridge-jump, but was penalized for doing it offstage, unlike the others, who jumped while holding Really Long Notes.

CHAIR-PUSHING: Gold—the cast of Grand Hotel. Silver—the cast of Falsettos. Bronze—the cast of the original production of Company. The original cast of Company scored exceptionally well in the opening number, when they cleaned out Bobby’s apartment and moved things to their own units, but they tired quickly after that. As one grumbled, ‘You try doing Michael Bennett’s choreography and singing Sondheim lyrics and moving furniture at the same time and see how easy it is.’ The revival cast of Company made a good show of it, moving cubes (determined by the judges as an adequate substitute for chairs), but were hampered by Coach Doyle’s decision to weigh them down with musical instruments. The cast of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels also scored well, but got too ambitious, moving entire staircases and palm trees.

LONG-DISTANCE DANCING, NATIONAL TEAM DIVISION: Gold—Brazil, the admirals of Wonderful Town, for doing the conga all over Manhattan. Silver—Scotland, the residents of Brigadoon, who danced all over the town and the heather on the hills, before stopping at the border. Bronze—Greece, the citizens of Ephesus, The Boys from Syracuse. The team from Thailand/Siam, The King and I, captured the crowd with a great start, but Captain Tuptim’s team never managed to leave the palace. The English team of Fagin’s street urchins from Oliver! initially won the gold, for they danced all over London, but were disqualified for having underage urchins. The Austrian team of the Von Trapps from The Sound of Music tried to compete, but the judges ruled that while they were singing over the Alps, they were not dancing.

MUSICAL MURDEROUS MAYHEM (total body count). Gold—Sweeney Todd, Sweeney Todd. Silver—Coalhouse Walker, Jr., Ragtime. Bronze—The Phantom, The Phantom of the Opera. Englishman Edward Hyde, Jekyll & Hyde, was disqualified from this event after testing positive for a banned substance.

OTHER NOTES: Lichtenburg once again failed to win a medal. And finally, Frenchman Marcel Dusoleil, Amour, was disqualified in the hurdles when it was discovered he wasn’t jumping them, but running through them.”

God love ya, Laura. But please get back to me and let me know why Eliza Doolittle didn't enter the Women's Marathon. She couldn't have, could she, for with all the different stages Eliza must endure, I'd call that a real marathon, wouldn't you?