The Law Is an Ass!

Have you ever noticed that no matter what words you type in for a Google search, you’ll always find at least one response that has nothing at all to do with the subject you’re investigating? But I’m not sorry that this is the case, for one of my searches led me to www.dumblaws.com.

The site centers on laws that were put on the books for reasons that must have once made sense to some citizens but now mystify us. Why in Oxford, Ohio, is it illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man’s picture? How come in Eureka, Illinois, a man with a mustache may not kiss a woman? Why in Marion, Ohio, is a person not allowed to eat a doughnut while walking backwards on a city street?

Of course, some laws that have been unenforced in recent years need a renaissance both in the places that adopted them and elsewhere. Winnetka, Illinois theater managers can kick out any patron who has “odoriferous feet.” Good! In Indiana, it is illegal to go to a theater within four hours of eating garlic. (The poor guy in Me and Juliet who spends intermission talking about the exact same problem would be happy to hear that.) For that matter, “New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or café.” Considering some of the music they play in those places, I know that if I saunter into a Nashua tavern, Manchester restaurant, or Concord cafe, I won’t be at risk.

But then there are other laws that defy explanation. First, there are those that apply to an entire state:

“In Maine, after January 14th it is illegal to have Christmas decorations still displayed.” Does this also apply to productions of Annie, She Loves Me, and Here’s Love?

“In Utah, a husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.” So had Liz killed her spouse Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake City in his home state instead of in Chicago, she would have gotten off scot free.

“In Washington, it is illegal to pretend that one’s parents are rich.” Well, there go the plots of virtually every musical of the 1920s!

“In Alabama, masks may not be worn in public.” So, Alabamians, take off the mask; that’s all that I ask you to do.

“In Hawaii, it is against the law for you to insert pennies in your ear.” I’m sure that the fathers in The Fantasticks would agree with me that Hawaii has done the worst possible thing by saying “no” to anyone who wants to do this. As you know, these daddies once tried keeping their kids from putting beans in their ears — and that was enough to make them do it. I’m sure it makes just as much sense to be prohibitive with cents.

“In Wisconsin, it is illegal to serve apple pie without cheese in public restaurants.” Proving that this state is not “as normal as blueberry pie.”

“In Idaho, it’s illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.” Now there’s a state that doesn’t believe, “No more candy, my dear!”

“In Oklahoma, females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.” Considering that Laurey sings in “Many a New Day” that “I’ll brush my hair,” wouldn’t it have been something if Curly got off for killing Jud but she did time for doing her hair?

“Any city in Missouri can levy a tax to support a band, as long as the mayor plays piccolo.” So why is Harold Hill making it hard for himself by working Iowa? Do you think he’s one of those criminals who really wants to get caught?

Then there are the laws that affect only certain towns. They include:

“In Fargo, North Dakota, one may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.” Under these circumstances, does anyone still wear a hat?

“In Schaumburg, Illinois, flying a kite is illegal.” Too bad for Charlie Brown that he doesn’t live there.

“In El Monte, California, pinball machines are outlawed.” Gee, why take away the little happiness that Tommy has?

“In Purdy, Missouri, dancing is strictly prohibited.” Sounds like a town that can use a Ren McCormack. But if he never arrives, you’ll still be able to stage most of the British megamusicals there.

“In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.” Illya would understand.

“In Indian Wells, California, foretelling the future for donations is illegal.” And it’s a bajour, to boot.

“In Logan County, Colorado, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.” Good thing that Sleeping Beauty decided to take her nap somewhere else!

“In McLough, Kansas, it’s illegal to wash your false teeth in a public drinking fountain.” So if you ever lose your teeth while you’re out to dine and someone finds them, he had best not clean your choppers before returning them to you.

“In Athens, Georgia, if you want to read your favorite book in public to your friends, you must do it before 2:45a.m.” Hey, Adelaide can tell me what “it says here in this book” any time.

“In Deming, New Mexico, one may not lead goats down the sidewalks of the city.” That must make for many a lonely goatherd.

“In Jonesboro, Georgia, it is illegal to say ‘Oh, Boy!’ ” Which means that productions of The Producers in this burg would have to cut a lyric from “Der Guten Tag Hop Clop,” and Jonesboroans can forget about seeing either a revival of Jerome Kern’s 1917 show Oh, Boy!.

“In Miami, it’s illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.” It’s not bad enough that Atlanta police recently shut down Naked Boys Singing there; now you can’t even do Pageant in Miami!

“In Clinton, Oklahoma, molesting an automobile is illegal.” So much for that part of the Engineer’s American dream.

“In Owensboro, Kentucky, a woman may not buy a hat without her husband’s permission.” There’s another potential problem for Michael and Agnes, what with her buying a $25 chapeau without his knowing it.

“In Allentown, PA, there is a ban on men becoming aroused in public.” No wonder the ever-enticing Spanish Rose had to leave town.

“In Oneida, Tennessee, an ordinance forbids anyone to sing the song ‘It Ain’t Goin’ To Rain No Mo’.” That’s okay, just as long as we can all still sing “Don’t Rain on My Parade.”

“In Manville, New Jersey, it is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.” Guess that’s what’s new at the zoo.

And if you think these laws are only found in the provinces, allow me to cite one from New York, New York: “Citizens may not greet each other by putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers.” So to residents and tourists alike: Don’t thumb your nose, bub, take a tip from mine!

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[To contact Peter Filichia directly, e-mail him at pfilichia@theatermania.com]