Top 10 Tips for Tourists

As Noël Coward famously asked, “Why do the wrong people travel, travel, travel when the right people stay back home?” When I was working at the Broadway New York gift shop in the Marriott Marquis Hotel one day, a lady who was squiring a group of teenaged girls came up to the counter and said in a loud, unabashed voice: “We want to see someone famous! Where should we go?'”

At that very moment, John Ritter — who was then starring in The Dinner Party — was standing a few feet behind the woman. He overheard her question and winked at me, knowing that her wish to meet “someone famous” was just seconds away from being granted. I told her that famous people are all over New York City and that she really just had to look up and pay attention. Though she was clearly not thrilled by my response, she thanked me and began to herd her group toward the exit. In the process, she bumped right into Mr. Ritter, said “pardon me” — and just kept walking.

I’m fairly sure that she never wound up noticing a celebrity because she just didn’t think it could be that easy. There are a lot more people in NYC than in most people’s hometowns, and more diversity in our citizenship, but New York is mostly made up of people who are living lives not that dissimilar from everyone else’s. We’re off to work in the morning, we put in a full day at the job, and we grab a beer or two on the way home; then we eat dinner, watch some television, sleep, and repeat. Sound familiar? So, if you’re planning a theatergoing visit to our fair city, here’s a list of “don’ts” that might help you look and act like a truly savvy New Yorker rather than — here comes that dreaded word — a tourist.

• Don’t come to New York with the preconception that everyone will be mean to you. Though we do have our fair share of jerks, there are plenty of nice people here, too. Deal with individual behavior as you encounter it.
• Don’t get all upset because we have different rules, regulations, and customs than you do back home. It is illegal to smoke in bars or restaurants in New York. Now, this might make you mad because you love to light up a stogie while enjoying your Fuzzy Navel, but the law is the law. For gosh sakes, don’t spend your entire trip complaining about the behavior of New Yorkers; remember, the whole idea of travel is to broaden one’s horizons and see how the locals live. Believe me, the best way to tick off a resident of NYC is to tell him how awful the city is.
• Don’t stand on the corner and stare at a street map for 20 minutes. Buy one before you visit, and study it. Manhattan is really pretty easy to navigate — well, at least north of 14th Street, it is! The streets run east to west and the avenues run north to south. Addresses on the streets start at 1 from Fifth Avenue, and the numbers increase as you travel east or west from there. As you walk up an avenue (i.e., north), the address numbers get higher; as you walk down an avenue (i.e., south), they get lower. Up is north and down is south — just like on a map!
• Don’t ask why New York is called “The Big Apple.” No one really knows. I have heard explanations ranging from “New York City used to be made up of several large apple orchards” to ‘Manhattan houses of ill repute in the early 1900’s used the word ‘apple’ to describe a woman’s anatomy.” In the long run, who really cares? If you ask the question, it’ll only make you look like a rube.
• Don’t arrive at a Broadway theater 45 minutes before the show if you already have your ticket in hand. This isn’t a movie! You have an assigned seat, and you don’t need to get to the theater early to buy popcorn (because they don’t sell popcorn). Ten or fifteen minutes before curtain is a fine time to arrive — and if anyone of notoriety is seeing the show that evening, I promise you, that’s exactly when they will arrive as well. Maybe you can walk down the aisle with Woody Allen or Florence Henderson!
• Don’t eat in chain restaurants. New York City is world renowned for its fine cuisine. If you are on a budget, go eat at one of our many diners or even at a deli salad bar. “When you’re here, you’re family” is the slogan for one of the behemoth chains, but let’s face it: Part of the reason you are here is to get away from your family.
• Don’t sleep in the subways, but do get a Metrocard and head underground. The subway is the most efficient and cheapest mode of transport in the city, and the people you see walking on the street do not grow fangs as soon as they hop the A train. You might even a spot a celebrity: Mayor Bloomberg, Mathew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Julia Roberts are just some of the people I have seen riding the subway. If they can do it, so can you.
• Don’t wear your convention nametag when you’re out on the street. Nothing gives you away as a tourist faster than a little tag that tells us who you are and where you come from. It’s too much information!
• Don’t travel in packs. If you are here with a large group, divide up into smaller groups; this will allow you to see more specifically what interests you, and it will also make you far less annoying to natives who need to get somewhere without impediment. Please don’t block the sidewalk in order to photograph your cousin Lizzie eating a real New York hot dog. The city moves fast, and we need to get by you…now! Lizzie can easily stand against a building while you snap that picture.

• Don’t tell New Yorkers things we already know. We know that all of our paper money is the same size and color, and we’re fine with that. We realize that, in your country, tax may well be included in the purchase price of goods, and we are aware that some American states don’t have sales tax, but please: Just pay our 8.625% tax and shush! We are also aware that NYC taxi drivers can sometimes seem like Indy 500 drivers on acid, so you can save all of your cab stories for the folks back home.

In summation, the best advice I can offer on how to fit in and really enjoy your visit here is to be willing to adapt to the environment with grace and humor. Since the majority of people who live in New York were not born here, your accent and your attire will not immediately give you away as an outsider — but a crabby, closed-minded attitude will. So have fun! Oh, and one more thing: Do not, under any circumstances, wear the “I Love New York” T-shirt you just bought until you get home. People in Cincinnati will think it’s cool, but we’ll just think of you as a tourist.