So Bad, They’re Good

Well, TheaterMania’s “Bad Musicals Based on Popular Movies” Contest went over like gangbusters. Our readers loved the concept and we got a truckload of brilliant (i.e., terrible) ideas.

There were a number of interesting trends among the submissions. Three different entrants — Andrew R. Morris, Peter Mussared, and Aaron Villa — suggested shows based on the The Blair Witch Project. Also popular as source material was The Exorcist, posited for adaptation by both Brian Pracht and Douglas Braverman. Believe it or not, Justin Timberlake’s name came up in association with several projects, including the lead in a stage musical version of Frank Herbert’s Dune (suggested by Jason St. Sauver) and a supporting role in Apocalypse Redux Deux: The Musical (thank you, Jeff Haslow).

Among the wittiest titles submitted were Dude, Where’s My Musical? (Ted Waltmire) and Rich Murphy’s Who Burned My Sled? (based on Citizen Kane, of course). We also loved Box of Chocolates, Ellen M. Lichtenstein’s adaptation of Forrest Gump. And we adored Robert Gutowski’s tuner based on The Manchurian Candidate, called Everybody Loves Raymond. (That title is hilarious if you know the movie.) One of the most outrageously funny entries of all was ruled ineligible because it was so tasteless that we couldn’t bring ourselves to print it: Joe C. Guacci’s proposed musical based on The Miracle Worker, to be called Hello, Helen! (This is not to say that bad taste necessarily disqualified an entry; see our third runner-up.)

When all was said and done, we of the TheaterMania editorial staff had to limit ourselves to choosing one grand prize winner and three runners-up, which we have listed below. As promised, the winner will receive two free tickets to this year’s Drama Desk Awards ceremony on May 18 plus a free one-year membership in TheaterMania’s Gold Club; the latter prize will also go to the runners-up. Thanks to everyone who entered.

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Grand Prize Winner: Six
(Submitted by Rich Silverstein of Kendall Park, New Jersey)

Do you like silly minor chords and cheesy pop ballads? Do you like being vaguely scared as you hear them? Then don’t miss Frank Wildhorn’s new Broadway musical, Six, suggested by the movie The Sixth Sense! Broadway’s first drama-thriller-horror-mystery (since Dance of the Vampires, at least) tells the tale of a disturbed little boy who sees ghosts and the child psychologist who tries to help him. M. Night Shyamalan adapts his own screenplay, with some “ghost” writing by Thomas Meehan. Score by Wildhorn, lyrics by a small box of Hallmark cards. Jerry Zaks directs and Norbert Leo Butz stars as psychologist Malcolm Crowe. William Ullrich, having played little Antonio Banderas in Nine, subtracts three to star in Six as little Cole Sear. As the boy’s mother, Linda Eder doesn’t have much to do but gets to stand center stage and sing about love several times. Thrill to an all-new, largely synthesized score that includes such gems as the thrilling ensemble opener “We’re Dead and it Sucks,” Ullrich’s solo “I See Dead People (and it Sucks),” and finally, a power ballad for Eder called “Loving Him (Sucks).” The show will come to Broadway as soon as Svengali, Dracula, and Camille Claudel do.

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First Runner-Up: My Dinner with André: A Chamber Musical
(Submitted by Audrey Fusco of Danbury, Connecticut)

In keeping with the new economics of Broadway, the Shubert Organization offers up a bite-sized musical with two actors and two musicians — and, as an intriguing commentary about labor unions, 16 more people sitting onstage playing cards. Nathan Lane and Michael Crawford take on the roles of Wallace Shawn and André Gregory in an evening of good food and recitative. Stephen Sondheim supplies the score, which includes such new gems as “Which Fork Do You Use with the Salad?” and “Shut the Hell Up, I Can’t Listen to You Anymore”. In a nod to The Play What I Wrote, each performance will feature a mystery guest chef to prepare the repast.

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Second Runner-Up: Mommie! The Mommie Dearest Musical
(Submitted by Ryan Roach of Fort Worth, Texas)

Starring Dixie Carter as Joan Crawford, Kristin Chenoweth as Christina Crawford, Andrea Martin as Carol Anne, and Victor Garber as Louis B. Mayer, the show traces the last half of the life of legendary screen star Joan Crawford and her sometimes-rocky relationship with her adopted daughter, Christina. It is told in flashback after Christina receives the news that she and her brother Christopher have inherited nothing from Joan’s estate and decides to tell the world about her mother in a book. Featuring stirring musical numbers like “Christina, Bring me the Axe!,” “I’m Bigger Than You (and I’ll Always Win),” “Understand,” “The Box Office Poison Lament,” “Strap Yourself In, Christopher,” and the stirring Act I finale, “No More Wire Hangers (Ever!)” Act II includes such songs as “Don’t F#@k With Me, Fellas! (It Ain’t My First Time at the Rodeo)” and the climactic confrontation between Christina and Joan: “I’m Not One of Your Fans!”

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Third Runner-Up: Schindler’s List!
(Submitted by Adam Hocke of Astoria, New York)

Musical comedy will never be the same. VH-1, in association with Fran Weissler, presents Schindler’s List! this fall at Studio 54, with Tommy Tune making his triumphant return to Broadway conceiving, directing, choreographing, and starring as Oskar Schindler. To make the Holocaust accessible to young audiences, Tune has assembled the show’s score from the greatest hits of the 1980s. Tiffany, fresh off the heels of her Cabaret success, will return to sing the anthem of those hiding in the ghetto: “I Think We’re Alone Now.” Tune, always Mr. Showbiz, will stop the show nightly with his rendition of the one original tune in the score: Jerry Herman’s “This German Ain’t So Bad.” And Elaine Stritch, queen of the 11 o’clock number, will make a special appearance to sing the Girl in the Red Coat’s specialty number. Also starring Savion Glover as the typewriter. For budgetary reasons, Fran Weissler has purchased the sets of Dance of the Vampires for re-use here and Tune has made the bold choice to light the show by candle and flashlight. Get a sneak preview next week, when the cast performs the Act I finale, Cher’s “If I Could Turn Back Time,” at XL in Chelsea.