Michael Bloomberg loves proclamations.
Michael Bloomberg loves proclamations.
© Anita & Steve Shevett
Michael Bloomberg loves to issue a good proclamation. Foursquare, The Muppets, Gossip Girl…they've all been on the mayor's list of things to honor with official "days" and ambassadorships. Now, Bloomberg is recognizing the cabaret world by declaring March 2013, "March is Cabaret Month"...which is such a clunky way of saying "Cabaret Month."

A representative of the mayor will present the document, which gave a pre-opening appearance on the interwebs this morning, to 2012 MAC Award winner Craig Pomranz at the Cabaret Hotline Anniversary Gala tonight at the Laurie Beechman Theater. Having seen the proclamation, our review is that the purpose is excellent but the execution weak. This is Cabaret month. You'd think it'd be law that New York's fabulous cabaret scene receive at least a glamorous font (sorry, copperplate), if not the respect of being printed on a double-length sheet of solid gold foil with a single, cerulean-hued light casting shadows on it.

The "March is Cabaret Month" proclamation is the culmination of a lobbying effort by Pomranz, who wanted to honor the long tradition of New York City club owners trying to coax audiences out of their apartments during this unpleasantly-frigid month by stating, "March is Cabaret Month." And really, is there anything more New York than listening to a wistful show tune whist sitting at the bar, drowning your Seasonal Affective Disorder with an extra-dry gin martini? Pomranz notes, "Even people who have never been to the city imagine themselves sitting in a sophisticated nightclub, sipping a cocktail and watching a performer in an intimate setting."

Amen. So what a missed opportunity for a proclamation. Never before has one been so well positioned to receive the fanfare a proclamation deserves. Where's the piano accompaniment? Where's the dishy small-talk between "whereas"-es? And for the love of Billy Stritch, where is the mandatory two-drink minimum at all NYC city functions for the next month? It would certainly make the next community board meeting more entertaining.

Bloomberg could have at least snazzed the document up with a bedazzler, real diamonds, please. He might have even presented it himself, before dueting with Pomranz on "Cabaret," obviously. But no. With this one, BB and his design team are keeping it old school (as in military school). TheaterMania's just praying they call in a proper designer if Kinky Boots gets its proclamation.

Judge for yourself below: